Every single day I am faced with choices. The very first one is whether or not to get up once I wake. The last decision is typically when to go to bed. I can safely say, however, that the most difficult choice I face daily is when to give up. As a software developer, this will sometimes mean when I need to give up on a problem and take a break. But how does that relate to other circumstances?

Reelin' in too Fast

One of the most wonderful scenes a grandmother could experience is seeing her husband, son, and grandson fishing side by side. As a child, I would often join my dad and grandfather in fishing trips to Heritage Lake in the wee hours of the morning. Eventually my grandparents moved to that lake and this made it incredibly easier for us to get up early and get out.

On one of these trips my uncles also joined us in search of Grass Carp that had been introduced into a feeder lake that spilled into Heritage Lake. As these were large fish, too large to be reeled in with conventional means, one of my uncles would shoot them with a bow and arrow and I was tasked with grabbing them with a fish net. We didn't actually catch any that day. This was because I was off watching these majestic creatures come down the drain pipe from the feeder lake. They were just too beautiful to catch even though I could have just snatched them with the net as they came down.

On other visits to my grandparents house, I had one of those children's fishing poles with a Snoopy character on it. But like most children, it didn't take me long to get bored sitting there waiting for a fish to bite. One of the most vivid memories I have of fishing is a time when I began to reel the line in as fast as my little arm and hand could reel. As the end of the line approached the surface, guess who was following it? I'd say it was a nine or so inch bass!!! But with the speed I had built up, the bait was out of the water before he could catch up and so I lost the fish.

Had I not given up at the time, I would have more than likely caught that bass. Although it does make for a fond memory and great story, these two fish narratives paint two distinct pictures. One shows that sometimes it is good to stop and take a look at the beauty this world has to offer. The other shows that sometimes giving up too soon will show the prize that will be missed.

God Bless <><

I was raised in the church. In fact, all but a few years of my life I even served in some capacity. The roots of faith grow deep in my family. When I was growing up, everyone in my great grand father's bloodline on my Marine tree attended the same church. A lot has changed over the years at that church. Pastors have come and gone, the music has evolved, and only my parents remain.

After a failed attempt at running an Information Technology business in 2002, I joined a customer service team at the then third largest insurance company in the USA, Allstate. I originally signed on to be a claims representative in one of three Auto Express centers, ours being located in Indianapolis, Indiana. My original work there was probably my most rewarding job I have ever had helping customers find peace of mind in what was otherwise a stressful situation: automobile accidents.

One of the skills I applied in that job was writing software to empower me to serve the customer better. I build tools I could use to help take better notes while handling the claims. In some cases, the software allowed me to export those notes into the many systems I had to use. This made it quicker to handle each claim and therefore allowed me to get back on the phone quickly to help the next person. As you can imagine, this caught the attention of management and one of the vice presidents of the company. Not long after that, I was promoted into the office's IT team.

While I was a low level IT team member, I would sign my emails with either a "God Bless <><" or just put a "<><" after my name. For a while that mostly went on without any mention. If it were mentioned, it was simply a "thank you for that" kind of acknowledgment. However, not much time went on before it offending someone. And I was asked to stop applying that to my email signature. I promptly refrained from doing so.

However, about a year and another promotion later, I started adding it again. My take on it was it was part of my religious expression. At this point, I was now the manager of the IT department. As a manager, I was now responsible for multiple employees. They weren't direct reports. However, I was still responsible for making sure they did their jobs well and was responsible for setting a quality example.

It was probably less than a week after I started applying my religious expression again when someone took notice and voiced their offense to my superiors. I was somewhat annoyed that this person wouldn't come to me directly. However, I can certainly appreciate their concern in doing so. After all, it takes quite a bit of courage to face someone who has offended you, knowingly or unknowingly. At the time, however, I was more concerned with my religious expression than I was my career. So I ended up resigning my position since I had decided I would not stop saying "God Bless" or including the "<><" fish symbol. I didn't want to further put anyone through the offense since I wasn't planning on stopping.

In hindsight, it is quite clear to me today that my employer was in the right to say I should not be expressing my religious views using company owned communication tools. And I was in the wrong to believe I was actually expressing my religious "rights" and should not have quit my job. Instead, I should have simple refrained from saying "God Bless <><" in emails and continued to just set a good example. And, again in hindsight, doing what my employer wanted would likely have saved my first marriage.

Third Time's the Charm?

In early Spring 2000, I was somewhat tired of waiting to find "the one." So I prayed the prayer, "Lord, show me who You want me to marry or take the desire out of my heart." Just about a week later, I met my first wife. Like many young couples, we felt it was a match made in Heaven and we were going to live happily ever after. This all seemed to be the case until shortly after the aforementioned religious stance at a former employer. One child, and several fights later, we found ourselves in a legal battle to dissolve our union. Ultimately, my wife had decided to leave me. About a year later, and after our ninth anniversary, we were no longer married.

As I went through counseling to heal from the above mentioned divorce, I was encouraged to wait a bit before looking for love again. The amount of time I was advised to wait was one year for every two years of marriage. So, for me, that came out to about four years since we were "happily" marriage for eight years. And after four years of being single, I decided I was ready for romance once again.

It did not take long for me to find "love" again. I looked to online matching services this time around. And, based on some sort of algorithm, I felt confident I had found true love. At first, it seemed just like a match made in Heaven, again. However, it did not take eight years for me to conclude it was all a mismatch. In fact, it was just after two years I decided it was not working out and I called for a separation. And shortly after that, I filed for a divorce.

Not long after my second marriage ended, I found myself in a new relationship which also became a marriage. Our dating time went like most in that it was a beautiful love story. It was a fairytale type relationship. In fact, we were married at The Walt Disney World Resort in Florida. However, after the honeymoon was over, the honeymoon really was over. The fairytale became more like a nightmare for both of us. Once again, I was the one who filed for divorce and another marriage had come and gone.

When to Give Up

Now that I have given three types of experiences of when I had either given up on my own or was somehow forced to give up, what sort of conclusion should I draw from my life's experiences? Simply put, I have no real clue as to when I should or should not give up. I think, more than anything, the point of learning from life's experiences is to know how to feel about what happens when I have to give up or am forced to let things go. This is especially true after surviving the worst year the modern world has gone through. 2020 wasn't fun for most people. But it was a great lesson in patience and flexibility!

I have absolutely no control over anything, or anyone else, in my life. In fact, the only thing I do have control over is how I handle what life throws at me. One of my life's mottos is, "It isn't what happens to me that is important. But rather how I handle what happens that is important." I believe this so strongly that you will rarely find me blaming circumstance for my woes. Like most humans, I do look for something or someone else to blame for my problems. However, at the end of the day, it is really up to me to decide how it all effects me. And now at the end of 2020, I am not only glad to be alive, I am confident I have decided to make the most of it by not giving up!

What this all translates to is how I ultimately decide when to give up or continue moving forward. When it comes to software development, this really amounts to when I need to step back and take a break. In most other events of my life, it comes down to how much more energy I have left to pursue whatever the goals are. I can say this, though, I feel that in each season of my life, I come closer to understanding what I am capable of handling and when it is time to push on or give up. And by the time my life is over, and if I live long enough to be ready for my end, I know with all certainty I'll be ready for my own death.

Until my life is over, I will always face the question, "When to give up?" Be it catching a fish, whether to allow someone to tell me my religious expression should end, a relationship is over, or the world's events hit home, I must not give up on myself. Allow me to repeat that, I must NEVER give up on myself. Even when others give up on me, I am still in control of how I handle life. It is completely ok for me to walk away when something, or someone, gives up on me. But the ultimate answer to "when to give up" is NEVER GIVE UP ON MYSELF