I Wish I Were Normal

I’m having one of those seasons in my life when I have thoughts of wishing I were “normal.” I don’t actually wish that in reality. But it is a thought that crosses my mind when I do things that are uniquely me. I have grown to appreciate my uniqueness. It’s just that I sometimes feel it difficult to navigate certain situations or circumstances that I feel so many others easily get through.

This is somewhat related to that thought…yesterday, I went all day without looking or being outside. It felt a bit weird. And I’m not really even sure why I did that. But it was also something that felt pretty good. I wasn’t sick or anything. Light wasn’t bothering me. I just didn’t want to look out. I wanted to remain closed off from the neighborhood for some unknown reason. I almost posted about the experience. I decided not to because it seems too weird that I even did that.

I did post about something else that was a bit different. I drove around the entire Tampa Bay on Saturday. My sister asked to hangout. I was happy to do that. We didn’t have any real plans. I had thoughts of checking out a new mall or something. New to us, that is. But then I felt like trying to drive around the entire bay instead. One of my shoes had fallen apart as soon as I got to her house. So, the first thing we did was go to a Sketchers outlet. After that, I asked her if she’d want to drive around the entire bay…LOL She wasn’t sure what I meant at first. But I tried to describe it to her. She didn’t mind because she just wanted to hangout with me. Whatever I wanted to do, she was willing to go along…hehehe Taking a drive seems normal. And it probably is. It’s just that my motivation to take a drive seems odd to me. And I love to turn it into an adventure.

This morning, I was almost in literal tears because my days haven’t been normal at all lately. Things keep popping up out of nowhere. I wished that I could have a least one “normal” day. From my point of view, most people wouldn’t have felt the way I was this morning. It’s just that the littlest thing can throw me off for the rest of the day. I don’t feel that’s a normal thing. I think I manage this well, all things considered. It’s just that it can be so exhausting. And boy am I tired of this right now…LOL The nearly teared up eyes are from exhaustion…LOL

Yesterday, I wrote up part 2 of Our May 2026 Vacation. I did that to help cope with this imbalance in my routine. That vacation, and all of my vacations with Cherie, have been a sort of anchor point for my mood. When I think about those vacations, especially the one in May, I get a sense of calm in my spirit. In fact, that’s one of the reasons I chose the Queen Mary photo for my Relax photo frame. I look at that multiple times each day when I’m in the bathroom. It has recentered me many times ever since I put it on the frame.

I don’t have a kitchen table. I don’t want a kitchen table. The last time I had my family over for dinner, I brought in my patio table and chairs for us to eat at. I think that was the last time I’ve used that table too…LOL This was like 3 or 4 years ago…LOL This is also the first time in my life when I haven’t had a kitchen/dining table. I’m certainly not against them. I just don’t want one right now. It seems a little strange. But here we are…LOL Mom wanted to buy me one when I first moved here. We even went table shopping. I picked one out and told her I’d wait a little bit before getting it to be sure I wanted that one. That was 4 years ago…LOL

I’ve tried to be normal most of my life. It never felt right and I was rarely myself. These days, I’m doing my best to be who I am without concerning myself with doing normal things just to try to fit in. I still don’t feel as though I have a place in many of the circles I’m in. My actual circle is quite small. But I fall into those other circles like having a “family.” By that, I mean my parents and siblings. I never quite had a place in my family. And I feel I don’t belong. I don’t think they feel that way, though. I don’t think they understand the struggle that it has been for me…LOL I’m okay with that now, though. It used to bother me. And I do wish I was more normal for them. But, yeah, whatever…HAHAHA

This week, I’m back on my pescatarian diet. I’ve been leaning towards it for quite a while now. So, I decided I would commit to it for at least this week. I’m not against eating meat. And I may have some from time to time. I’m not going to stick to a strict diet like I did a few years ago. This is more of a “feeling” I’m having lately. This is definitely not a normal diet. I know very few who don’t eat meat.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I envy “normal” people. As I said above, I’ve grown to appreciate my uniqueness. I feel the world needs me to be “me.” And I don’t resent who I am anymore. I’ve been growing quite a bit these past 4-5 years and I truly like who I am now. It still feels like a transition of sorts. I know I’ll get through this. Me and the world will be the better for it once I get more comfortable being “me.”

I needed to write all of this down. It has helped. Overall, I’m doing very well right now despite how this all sounds on the surface. So, I apologize if this topic seems like a downer. I’m still quite happy. I’m glad I’m not “normal.” Again, I don’t actually wish I were normal. I just liked the title when I wrote it…LOL

Speaking of things that aren’t normal. I have this thing for redundancy. When plan A fails, plan B is right there to catch the fallout. I keep most of my files, photos, and videos backed up in multiple cloud storage services. And I have 3 sources of Internet. Well, today, I was grateful to have multiple Internets…LOL The main system was down for 8 hours and one of my backup Internets kicked in silently. The only reason I noticed the mainline was down was because I got a text about it…LOL About an hour after work, it came back online…LOL This has been happening a lot more lately and I’m glad I never lose connection now. It most often happens when I’m working. So, having redundant Internet connections has saved my bacon more than once lately…LOL No, it’s not normal to have backup Internet. Yes, I’m glad I am the way I am because I had the backup Internet…LOL